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Updates
On this page I will be writing updates on how my condition changes as time goes by. The rest of the website was created in October/November 2013, a couple of months after I took the Optimum Energy Course.
Click on the dates below to go to the update you want to read:
May 30th, 2014
December 27th, 2014
June 28th, 2015
March 18th, 2016
June 7th, 2017
January 8th, 2019
May 30th, 2014
It feels like it's been quite a while since I made this website, and there's been some changes since then.
For a couple of months during the winter I felt like I was stuck on the same spot. I wasn't getting worse, thankfully, but I wasn't getting any better either. It felt like there was some old fears and patterns coming up to the surface, which I didn't really know how to handle. Eventually I decided to get some extra help from Russell, he is after all an expert on these conditions. With his help, my situation started improving again, and since then I've been getting better and better still.
It's priceless having access to the expertise and support that Russell offers, he has an enormous ability to see how things are connected, and to put a finger on what needs to be addressed. Taking the course, and then also getting extra help when I needed it, is absolutely the best investment I have ever made! Getting my health and well-being back, in some ways even better than before I got ill, is impossible to put a price tag on.
During this time I have continued my walks, and I'm walking 2,5 - 3 km about every other day, in sunshine or rain. I actually just got in from a lovely walk in the rain! :-) And it's wonderful to feel that my body responds to physical exercise, to feel that the energy is there, and that I can put a bit of pressure on myself now and then without risking a crash. I no longer feel that I've only got a tiny amount of fuel at the bottom of my petrol tank, that could run out any moment. My "tank" feels somewhere around a quarter full to half full most of the time now. I wouldn't go running a marathon (yet!), but I know I can do most things within reasonable limits.
I remember being very scared in the beginning (just after the course last summer) of doing too much and then crash, but I haven't crashed one single time during these ten months since I took the course!!! Even though I've been quite exhausted a couple of times due to doing "bigger" and more demanding things. With the techniques I learnt on the course I can still keep my balance and stay "on the track".
I do QiGung about 20 minutes every day since a couple of months. The first times I felt quite weak and shaky afterwards, but my body adjusted quickly and now I feel completely fine doing it. The QiGung time is like the best time of the day for me now, it's such a great combination of gentle body movement and meditation, and it's very beneficial.
I sleep very well now, and I mostly wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day. The almost constant colds and flus I used to get before the course are gone. I only got one or two colds during the winter season, which might even be less than what "normal" healthy people get.
I'm doing pretty much all of the house cleaning now, I pick things up, vacuum, clean the bathroom, change the sheets, do the laundry etc all by myself. I even feel a bit silly writing "all by myself", since I'm so used to doing it now. But just a couple of months ago, the vacuuming for example was impossible for me to do, it was too exhausting.
I go with the family on adventures and outings, we've been ice-skating, been to the cinema, to an adventure park, to the swimming pool (where I swam 4 x 100 meters!), to a museum in Stockholm (about 150 km from home), to a traditional Swedish bonfire, and visited and invited friends and family.
I have also gone shopping all by myself (impossible before), been to a group meditation (also impossible before), been going on a train and a bus (which I had almost a phobia for), been to the dentist to fix a tooth (not so fun, but necessary). And I went trail riding on Icelandic horses the other week, which was so lovely! To finally be able to sit on a horseback again, riding on beautiful trails in the woods, smelling the horses and everything else that goes with it, was something I discovered that I had really missed.
We're even planning on going on some holiday trips this summer, to some exhibitions that the kids want to see, and to visit some relatives in other parts of the country. It's been four years since we travelled like that, since I couldn't travel at all while I was so ill.
I feel so much more relaxed and happy nowadays, and I have great faith that I will continue to improve. My life is definitely returning, I've experienced so many changes in just a couple of months, and the progress is ongoing.
As I feel better and better, I realize what a blessing this illness has been for me. Reading this, you might want to punch me in the face, and I can understand that. When you are in the midst of the hell that a debilitating illness like this is, it's very hard to see any benefits with what is happening. But now, when I'm on my way to health and well-being, I can see it clearly.
If I hadn't got ill in this way, I would have continued sort of limping my way forwards in life in the way I used to. I was full of fear and worry, stretching myself to the limit and beyond to please everyone and everything, and I had no idea on what I really wanted from life. I knew I was feeling bad, but had no idea what to do to change it, nor did I have the motivation to really dig into it.
Thanks to me getting ill, in exactly this way, I have had to re-evaluate big parts of my life, take a good and honest look at myself and the way I function (and that's an ongoing job). Twist and turn old beliefs and patterns that may have never really worked, but that I continued doing since I was hardly even aware of them, and anyway didn't have a clue to what to do to change it.
When I look back on these months, I can see that exactly this illness, with exactly these symptoms, was just what I needed to "get my butt out of the wagon" and really start working on what needs to change. I am immensely grateful that I'm now feeling a lot better, and I am also very grateful that I got this illness at this point in my life. It was a blessing in disguise, a gift wrapped in sandpaper, which I am still working on unwrapping fully. :-)
December 27th, 2014
It’s been a long time again since I updated this webpage, time just flies. I’m continuing to make progress, slowly but surely I’m getting still better and better, and I can do more and more things that were completely impossible before.
In June I went to a meditation course for a whole day, something I had wanted to do for a long time but just couldn’t. It was so great to actually be able to attend the course, and I felt it was quite beneficial for me.
During the summer we went on a couple of trips with the caravan, for example to my husband’s home town where we visited some relatives. It was four years since we went there the last time, since I haven’t been able to go there because of my illness. It was so much fun to see everybody again! We also went to a couple of museums and theme parks. After a few days there I felt that the stress got the better of me, I still have some way to go before I’m completely well. But once we got home and I could wind down and relax, I was soon back on track.
I could be alone at home with the children for a few days when my husband went away to a gathering with some people that share his interest, and I was completely fine. I have been so afraid to even try that before. It used to feel way too big and difficult to be fully responsible for the kids and the house for that long.
In the end of summer we went on the ferry to Gotland, a large island on the East coast of Sweden. And I’ve been almost fobic of going by boat before! I was quite worried this time too, but with the techniques I’ve learnt, I was just fine. We travelled around the island for almost a week and visited some relatives. This time too the stress got a bit too much for me, and I couldn’t do everything I had wanted to do. But I was still very proud and glad that I could even go there, it was nine years since last time. And once I got home and could relax, I was back to normal in a few days. Still no crash, not even one crash since I took the Optimum Energy Course last summer! :-)
In the end of August we went to a family gathering at my sister’s, and it was a lot easier this time than last year. It’s so great to see the progress that I’m making. Last year I was quite worried about how I would cope, but this time I just enjoyed myself.
In September I went for a bit of an adventure: I took the train to a larger town about 80 km from home, took the bus from the train station to the Ikea in that town, bought some fabric for new pillows, took the bus back to the station, walked a kilometer to a hamburger restaurant and had lunch, then walked back to the station and took the train home – all by myself! A huge mission for me, that was completely impossible before, but now it went just great. And I was so proud of myself that I could do it! :-)
In October I took my 7-year-old to watch a horse jumping event, about an hour’s drive from home. We packed some lunch and had a really great time there. I would never have dared to do that before, driving by myself quite far, to an unknown place, and also to be responsible for a child the whole time. But now, I was just fine.
I have been to a couple of lectures and also a concert in evenings when I had to drive in the dark, something I’ve avoided for years since I felt it was so difficult. But now I’m fine with it, I was actually surprised of how easy it was.
I’m now going into town to shop without even thinking much about it, it’s just a natural thing to do now. I continue with my 3 km walks almost every day, and I also do QiGung every day. I’m taking over more responsibility with the family, for example I’m driving the children to and from school and past-time activities now and then. And I do practically all the cleaning and most of the cooking nowadays.
I continue to stretch my boundaries more and more. Just before Christmas I took the train to Stockholm all by myself (about a 2 hour’s ride, including changing trains), and walked around some in the town before I went home again. It was a huge thing for me, and I felt quite stressed and tense, but it still managed to go through with it. I was quite tired a few days afterwards, but still no crash. I’m actually quite sure now that I just don’t crash anymore, even though I sometimes put myself through some tough challenges to extend my limits.
During the autumn there has been some trouble arising in my family, which cause quite a lot of stress and worry about what will happen and how things will be. But with the help of the techniques I’ve learnt I can keep it at a reasonable level, and still continue with my progress.
Soon it will be a new year, and I look forward to seeing how much more I will be able to do next year. I’m getting more and more of my life back, and I’m starting to create an even better life than I had before all this happened to me. The future is definitely looking very bright! :-)
June 28th, 2015
Oh, how time flies. It’s been a long time since I updated the website again. Well well, better late than never…
My progress is sustaining. I still take my 3 km walks, and I still do my QiGung practise almost every day. I go into town whenever I feel like it, and I still do almost all of the cooking and cleaning. All that feels completely natural now, I rarely consider that it was an utter impossibility not so long ago. But sometimes it hits me, like today on my walk when I felt extra powerful with a nice spring in my step, I remembered what it was like before, and I’m so grateful for how well I actually am now.
The problems in my family remain, though, and they have become deeper with time. There is no real solution to it, and it’s all quite stressing. I don’t know what the future will be like, and most things feel very uncertain. If I hadn’t had the tools I learned on Russell’s course, I think I would have collapsed a long time ago. But I’m still using the tools a number of times every day, and I’m convinced that that is what still keeps me afloat, and the reason why I’m surprisingly okay in the middle of all this.
The last couple of months I have also started to recall memories from suppressed events from my childhood, things I have been totally unaware that they happened. It feels a bit like opening a door to an unknown room in my basement, discovering a massive amount of mould, moss and the like. It’s quite a job to clear everything out and get it sorted, but I’m pretty sure that with the right tools, time and patience, there is still good hope of getting the place reasonably nice. I’m obviously in such a good shape now that my system feels safe with letting these events out, so I can process and hopefully heal them. And that actually feels very positive.
I haven’t been very active with stretching my boundaries these last couple of months, due to everything else that’s been going on. But I have made some progress. For example, I found a choir nearby, a kind of Sing-as-you-like choir that practises every week, that I joined. And that was great fun! I sang in a choir when I was young, it’s such a great feeling singing with other people like that. A pure joy of singing! And you get the deep breathing and blood flow going automatically. The people in the choir are such a relaxed and great team, I felt instantly welcomed there. At the end of term we went to a nursing home and performed a couple of songs to the people living there. Just a couple of months ago, I would never have thought I would do that.
Last week I was all alone for six days, while my husband took the kids to Legoland in Denmark. I was a bit worried beforehand of how it would work out, I’ve probably never been alone for that long in my whole life. But it went very well. I used the tools to relieve the anxiety I felt at start, and after that I actually enjoyed the solitude and the calmness. During that week I went into town to run some errands, I drove around on the lovely small roads by the coast, I knitted some on a cardigan I’m making, and just did this and that. I wasn’t even worried about being alone in the night-time, which I have had big problems with previously.
It was so nice to be alone that I felt that the family very well could have stayed away a bit longer. I didn’t feel any urgency at all to get them home. That is such a bit difference to before, when I pretty much would have been sitting cowering in a corner all week, just hoping that I would survive until they got back home, I would definitely not have dared to go anywhere or do something significant during the week, I would have been really scared and tense all nights, and I would have felt so enormously relieved when they finally came home. And I would have been so tired after all that tension that I would have needed several days afterwards to get back to normal.
Things like these really show how far I have actually come, and that feels so positive. I’m overall feeling so much better now, physically and emotionally. I can do so much more now that I couldn’t do before, and even if I sometimes feel a bit tired and "off" (which most people do now and then), I know that I’ll soon be out of it again. Life is, in spite of some troubles and adversities, so much better now!
March 18th, 2016
It's been a very long time since I updated this site, again. But there are reasons to it.
I've had a very tough autumn and winter. In September my Dad called from a trip in northern Sweden and told me he had slipped and broken his foot, and since then things have been very chaotic. The thing is that my Mum has developed Dementia, and Dad had until this happened made his utmost to make everyday life work as well as possible, counteracting Mum's illness. Mum has refused to realize that something is wrong with her, which I think is kind of typical for these conditions, but it made the situation even harder to deal with. So when Dad broke his foot, everything got turned upside down. There was no way he could keep on taking care of Mum as he had before, now that he needed help himself. It suddenly became very obvious how ill Mum really was, and that they needed help to sort things out. Luckily I have two siblings, and we have put our efforts together to make things work.
Mum is now in a nursing home, since we realized during the autumn that she is too ill now to live at home. She has also been in and out of hospital for a couple of months, due to physical problems. All this has been difficult to handle for me, both practically and emotionally. I never really thought that my Mum would become ill with Dementia. She has been so strong and energetic all her life, and seeing her become more and more confused and losing the grip on reality is hard. I've been feeling very stressed about the whole situation, and that has taken a lot of energy.
I've also uncovered more suppressed memories from childhood, they come up like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, now and then. It's tough to uncover and process them, but also interesting, and kind of nice to get an explanation of why I've felt so anxious and unsafe all my life. So the process continues of clearing out old junk, sometimes it feels almost never-ending, but reasonably it should fade out eventually. It does feel important to get it up and out, it's like emptying a very heavy backpack, rock by rock, hopefully then being able to continue the journey with a lesser load.
I keep taking sessions with Russell regularly, and that is enormously helpful in getting me through this. Having the help and support of such an understanding and skillful therapist is simply invaluable.
With all that's been going on, I haven't had the energy to expand my limits as much as I had wanted to. But I'm still at the level I've been on lately, in spite of the much increased stress level in my life. I take that as yet another sign that I actually feel a lot better nowadays, I have more energy and a better ability to handle what happens in life. And I still haven't crashed since I took Russell's course 2.5 years ago! I continue with my regular walks, my Qigong, my choir practice, and going into town now and then. I do the cooking, the washing up, the cleaning and the laundry, and I've almost forgotten that I actually couldn't do any of that before. I also have faith that I will keep getting better with time, as I clear out old junk and find more balance within myself.
June 7th, 2017
Wow, I really don’t know where to start, so much has happened since I last updated the website.
My husband and I have drifted further and further apart the last couple of years, we have stayed friends but no more than that. So we finally decided to get a divorce. In October of last year I got a flat, and we split up. I had quite some anxiety in the start, how would I cope with everything, could I really live on my own, have full responsibility for my own home, and for the kids half of the time? Until then, I had never ever lived on my own. But it all went well, in the start I got lots of help from my ex-husband to get the things I needed, and to get sorted out in my flat. And after that, things have just rolled on, and I’ve become more and more used to managing on my own.
Now, I’ve found a steady pace that works good for me, and it’s a long time since I needed any help from my ex-husband. I also appreciate to rule my own life, to singlehandedly decide what I want and will do, and that I don’t have to adapt to someone that I actually don’t want to live with. Moving out and creating my own home feels like one of the better decisions I’ve made in my life. It has helped me evolve even more, and to become a lot more independent.
In the beginning of this year my Mother passed away. She was severely ill and completely bed-bound for her last year. The last couple of months it was almost impossible just to communicate with her. Alongside with the grief that she’s gone, I almost felt a relief that she didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was so difficult to see her lying there like that, she who had been so powerful and creative before. I’m almost surprised that I haven’t been more burdened with grief after she died, but I think that in situations like this you process much of the grief during the time of illness. It was clear quite early that she would only get worse, there was no real hope for improvement for her. Now she is hopefully in a better place, and doesn’t have to suffer anymore.
In March this year I found out that John Newton, one of my favourite “helpers” was coming to London in the beginning of June to offer a course. He lives and works in the USA, and very rarely comes to Europe. So I felt that I really would like to go to this event, but I wasn’t sure if it was possible for me. All my life I’ve had nearly a phobia for flying and travelling, even before I got ill with CFS/ME. And during my years of illness, I could hardly leave my home at all due to all the anxiety and fatigue. I talked to Russell about it, and he encouraged me to go, saying that I surely could do it. With the emotional support from him, I went ahead and booked the trip and the course. But I was very worried, and not so sure if I could really do this. I worked with Russell on this anxiety and worry before the trip, and that made it feel more possible to go through with.
So last Thursday, June 1st, I sat on the plane to London, all by myself, with lots of butterflies in my stomach. I was very tense during the whole flight, and the landing in London was very turbulent, so I was almost in a state of panic when I finally sat my foot on English ground. With the help of the techniques I’ve learned from Russell, I could decrease my level of anxiety to a manageable level after a while. Then I got a train ticket and went to my hotel. On the Friday I went for some sightseeing in town, I saw the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Houses of Parliament, London Eye, Tower Bridge and the Tower of London. I also walked a bit in Hyde Park, and had my first Fish & Chips. I got around town with the local bus and the tube. All by (with) myself, I had neither my husband (ex-husband), nor any friend with me. If I had, I would have attached myself to them and just followed along in their wake.
On the Saturday and Sunday I took John Newton’s course, which was very valuable. I learned a lot, cleared out and healed quite a lot of old junk, and I now have even more techniques to help myself feel better. Maybe sometime I might be able to help others feel better too, with the techniques that I’ve learned.
On the Sunday morning I read about the terror act at London Bridge the night before, and thanked my lucky star that I stayed at my hotel last night. I felt sorry for all those who lost their lives or was wounded, but not particularly anxious about myself falling in the line of fire for something similar. I’ve been tied to my home for so long now, that I realize that I can’t lock myself up again for the rest of my life, to avoid the risk of something happening. I’d rather live a full and rich life, including risks, than being locked up at home because of anxiety and fear.
Then on the Monday it was time to go home again. I was quite anxious about the flight home, thinking of all the turbulence on the trip there. But once we got up on enough altitude, I actually slumbered/slept during most of the flight, that has never happened before! I have had more like a white-knuckled grip of my chair, just wishing to be down on the ground as soon as possible. And even though this landing also was quite turbulent, I managed a lot better this time. I was able to just sort of let go of the need for control, and let the pilots and the airplane do the job. I used some of my techniques to relax a bit, and then all of a sudden the plane's wheels were on the ground. I was completely astonished of how easy it was for me, in spite of all the turbulence. I worked on my fear of flying from several angles during the weekend course, and that must have had quite an effect. That is so cool!
I am so enormously happy and grateful that I had the courage to do this trip, it feels like a big step forwards for me. It's another big thing that I haven’t been able to do before, that I now feel that I can do. Even before I got ill with CFS/ME, I would not have made a trip like this. I’ve always until now been afraid of flying, and being in unfamiliar surroundings. But now I feel like maybe anything is possible, and that’s a lot thanks to all of Russell’s help, and now John Newton's help too. As I’ve said before, taking Russell’s course is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It has really turned my life to the better, and given me possibilities that I hardly even dared to dream about before.
January 8th, 2019
Yes, it's been a long time since I updated this page, AGAIN! :-) I don't know where time flies, but I am quite busy with life nowadays.
Life on my own is trodding along, I still live in the flat I moved to two years ago, and everything works fine. Me and my ex-husband are still friends, which I'm enormously grateful for. Sometimes I'm still quite awed that I'm actually living alone now, and that I'm managing very well. And I have never regretted the step I took, even though it has been difficult emotionally sometimes.
In December 2017, I went to London again, to take a course in EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques. I was there for a week this time, including the travel days. I stayed at an apart-hotel, and got to prepare all meals on my own, and I went shopping in the nearby supermarket. Apart from attending the course, I had time to walk around in the city, and see the Christmas decorations in the shopping district, and in Hyde Park. One day I went to Hampstead Heath and walked around in the park. The EFT course with Sue Beer and Emma Roberts was very good, everyone was so nice, and I learnt a lot.
In 2018 I have continued with my choirs, I have gone to yoga class, and I've been swimming a couple of times. I went downhill skiing with my kids a couple of times last winter. I skied a lot when I was young, and it was great fun to pick that up again. I hope that we will be able to do a few days in the slopes this winter too. I have also started riding again, quite regularly. To sit on an Icelandic horse and go out on small paths and gravel roads in the woods, in footpace, tolt and gallop is one of the best things there is!
I have also started to work a bit. Although just a tiny bit, just a couple of hours a month. But it's still a big step for me. It feels really nice to be able to do some good, and it's great for my self-esteem. Now I can "just" increase the hours when I feel that I'm able to.
We went on a couple of short caravan trips again last summer, me and my ex-husband take turns in being with the kids in the caravan, and it works fine. The advantage for the kids is that they now can be longer periods in the caravan, when me and my ex share the time there. :-)
Last summer I was driving my car one day when I met a motorcycle on the road. Nothing odd about that, but I suddenly had a strong feeling that it would be so much fun to start riding a motorcycle again! I used to both drive myself, and ride on the back of my ex-husbands motorbike when I was younger, but I quit when I started getting ill. It was so scary to ride it when my body wasn't strong enough. Said and done, I started looking for a motorcycle and immediately found the perfect one for me. I persuaded my ex (who is a mechanic) to go see it, and I bought it at once. I felt a bit scared and unfamiliar the first times I rode it, but I noticed that it's much like riding a bike. If you have learnt once how to do it, it soon comes back to you. I rode the motorbike a number of times last summer, and it was so much fun! Now it's in my storage room, waiting for Spring...
Another fun thing is that my daughter has started in riding school. She has wanted that for years, but I haven't been strong enough to do it. And there was no-one else who could do it either. Both me and my daughter think it's great fun, and I'm so happy that I can do this with her now. Though it was quite a challenge in the beginning when I had to lead her on the horse. Because even though I am so much better these days, my stamina is quite limited. To jog beside the horse when it trots makes me exhausted. But I recover quickly, like half an hour later I'm back to my normal self. Before all this I would have been bed-ridden for days after such an extertion.
In September I realized that I had to make a move on if I were to qualify for the EFT certification, starting with the course I took last December. To do that, I had to give 50 EFT sessions to at least 20 different people, within 1 year from when I took the course. I started giving sessions to friends and family, and then to choir members and people from yoga class. I had to work quite hard (from my point of view) to get enough sessions done in the short time I had. But I just enough made it by the deadline. By then I noticed that I had driven myself too hard for quite a while, so the Christmas- and New Years weeks were in a calm and recovering mode. And now in the beginning of January, I feel that I'm almost back on track again.
There are so many things that I've previously wanted to do, but it just wasn't possible. But now there is so much that is opening up, thanks to all the help I've had from Russell. I'm still taking sessions with him, even though they are further apart nowadays. And I still haven't crashed even once since I took his course in the Summer of 2013. My energy level goes a bit up and down, depending on what's going on in my life, but I have never again been bed-ridden with exhaustion. And I am so happy and grateful for all the positive changes in my life!